a different kind of dating

When I met my husband four and half years ago, I was confident that I would never go on a date again.  I was wrong.  What I didn't consider then was that I would most likely have to date for the rest of my life.  I'm not talking about romantic dating; instead, I'm referring to dating to make friends.

I moved to South Carolina a year and nine months ago without knowing anyone.  It was the first time in my life that I moved somewhere and didn't already have friends to call up to go shopping with, get dinner with or to just come over to hang out.  I went to college with friends I knew from high school and I moved cross country and lived with friends I knew from college.  Each new place I had moved, there was already a network of people that knew me and who I had a previous relationship with.  This move was different.

It became apparent to me very quickly that is is tough to make friends.  Sure I can sit down next to someone and introduce myself, "Hi! I'm Rachel!" Which I have proclaimed often paired with a big toothy grin.  There might be an ensuing conversation about where we are from, what we do for work and what side of town we live on.  The small talk gets really good when dogs come up - I've learned they are like children, people can talk about them for hours (including me).  After the commonalities and chitter chatter die down... then what?! I've run into this several times.  Do I get her number? 


Okay so the first meeting went great, we exchanged phone numbers and leave asking myself: did I just make a new friend? Just like romantic dating, the phone number is a tricky game.  Caution should be taken not to appear over-eager or quite frankly, desperate.  It's also important not to abuse a phone number, there's such a thing as too much contact.  Nowadays, there is less pressure with the prominent use of text messaging.  This way, there doesn't need to be awkward conversations or long silent pauses.  A simple text will suffice to set up a "second date".

The second meeting is in my opinion, more challenging.  Having covered all the basics and background information, this is where the friendship either starts or fizzles to an end.  Yep, as early as the second date.  I've been caught several times sitting across from my "date" in an awkward silence, both of us scrounging for a question to ask or something to say.  Even worse is when the awkward stare happens, you know when you both blankly look at each other as if silently saying "I got nothin to say..."

In several instances my husband and I have even dated together - yep, couples dating.  One time after meeting another couple I was sure we would have commonalities with and similar interests, I instead went home disappointed.  "I don't think we'll hang out with them again," I lamented to hubby.  "Did you notice they didn't ask us anything!"  In another couples first date we left the restaurant where we met for drinks elated and quite giddy.  "They were great! So much fun! I hope they want to get together again!"  Yes, it's true, couples dating is real and just as tricky as one-on-one friend dating.

In all seriousness, I've met some great people in my time living in this new town.  It has taken effort, time and an open attitude.  Sure, they don't know my quirks and eccentricities off the bat, but they will with time.  In no way can I replace all the wonderful and dear friends that I have in my life from my past, but I have high hopes that wherever life takes me, I'm sure I'll make some life-long friends and look back and laugh about our "first date".

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

13.1

I rounded the bend and looked up at the white sign with the large black number 8 displayed across it.  Below the sign there were people cheering words of encouragement and praise to the perfect strangers running by.  There were several thoughts going through my head as I listened amongst the noise to my slightly labored breathing.  I was a bit surprised it wasn't a harsher and deeper heaving at this point, but the fact that it wasn't produced some confidence that I could do this, that I was going to finish and complete my goal.  My arms swung by my side in tandem with my feet as they hit the pavement in calculated and even movements.  I looked up from beneath the shade of the visor I was wearing, to my horror, there was another hill ahead.  With a deep breath, I murmured some words of encouragement to myself, pursed my lips together, narrowed my eyes, and resolved to just keep running. I had 5.1 miles to go.

Running a half marathon has always been a goal of mine.  It was one of the things on my "list".  You know, the list you have full of things you want to accomplish in life.  Things that are out of the ordinary and that provide sheer joy when you know you can put a check next to the item - the feeling of wow, I actually did that.  The half marathon was one of those things for me.  I've never really been a strong runner, I would consider myself more of a recreational runner.  I took up jogging in college mostly because our gym at school was usually too crowded and I figured if I lived on the beach I would be doing a disservice not to figure out how to exercise and enjoy the beautiful outdoors.  Three to five mile runs became my sweet spot, it was a perfect stress reliever and way to clear my mind, no equipment needed.  I could lace up my shoes and head out the front door and run for as long or short as I wanted.  A half marathon is 13.1 miles, about three to four times as far as I typically run.  Completing one would no doubt be a challenge for me, which is why I wanted to do it so bad.

When my best friend informed me there was a half marathon in Nashville, Tennessee, and that it was a Country Music half marathon, we both knew that it was our calling to sign up for the race.  My mom and husband signed up as well and in the months before the race we offered each other encouragement to keep training and kept a buzz of excitement that we would be traveling to Nashville to run with 30,000 people in a marathon/half marathon race.  I started training on longer distance runs about three months before the race, but to be honest, was quite terrified for the impending event.

On race day we all woke up excited and a bit nervous.  At least I know that had nerves welling up inside of me... my biggest enemy in training was myself.  I tend to talk myself out of the ability to run long distances, complaining that the weather is too hot, I'm overheated; some days it was my shoes which were cramping my toes, producing blisters that made the run that much more difficult.  Other days it was just flat out me convincing myself that nine miles (or whatever distance we were running) was way too far for me to humanly run (I can be quite dramatic...).  When race day came, the most miles I had run at one time in training was 10.  I had to add 3.1 to that to finish the race.  As we entered the coral together, waiting for the announcer to signal our official start, I gave myself a silent pep talk.  You can do this, I thought in my head.  No excuses, this is your chance to just do it.  The Nike slogan took on a new, more important meaning.

The four of us stretched together and jumped up and down to warm our blood as we waited to begin.  Finally it was our turn to, crossing the start line was invigorating, exciting and a bit daunting.  Only 13.1 miles to go! The four of us quickly split up from each other as we each ran different paces.  So it was me left with my thoughts to run the long and hilly course.  The only races I have run in the past are a few 5k races and one 10k race.  This one was entirely different.  Being a music half marathon, there were bands positioned throughout the course playing pump up music to motivate us to just keep running.  I absolutely loved the camaraderie of running a race like the one we did.  Amongst 30,000 people there is a sort of team spirit, that we were all running together towards the same finish line (well I was running towards the 1/2 marathon finish, those poor marathon runners had a much longer road).  I was delighted at how many people were on the sidelines throughout the course.  Granted many were there to cheer on a loved one as they trotted by, but those people would also cheer for perfect strangers.  It was motivating and wonderful to have people encouraging and supporting one another.

As I ran I had fleeting moments of serenity (in between the sheer pain of running up hill after hill), there is something quite therapeutic at taking in the moments when you are experiencing something new, something challenging and something that has pushed you further as a person.  When a guy dressed up in a full spider man costume ran by me, I couldn't help but laugh.  Here I was, fretting nervously about whether I was going to be able to finish the race or not, when some people chose to take the situation more lightly.  As the group of racers I was running alongside rounded mile twelve, an eerie quiet ensued.  All I could hear was the sound of rubber soles on the pavement and the breathing in and out of runners.  The last mile was perhaps the toughest, not only because at least half of it was uphill, but because at that point it took whatever energy I had left to push through to the end.  When I saw the finish line, I picked up my feet and ran as fast as my body would let me to the finish.

I felt exuberant, energized, and proud.  I had finished running 13.1 miles, I had forced myself not to stop and had completed my goal.  The experience made me really think about setting goals, and working towards something you want.  Ironically, when I got home from the trip, the official rejection letter from grad school was waiting for me in the mail.  I didn't feel frustrated or sad this time, instead, I just felt a weight lifted off.   I had just set a goal that was entirely up to me and completed it; to me the letter coming right after completing my challenge was "you win some, you lose some" played out in real life.  I initially thought the half marathon would be my first and last; but after such a gratifying experience, I might re-think that notion after all.