a disappointing moment turned beautiful

Disappointment can have many different faces.  It has been evoked in me because of another person's actions; like when a promise was broken or a pact was not kept.  I have felt it internally when a personal goal was not met, when something I was striving to reach faded into the distance.  And I have felt it towards other people; when someone I was counting on was not truthful, let me down or mislead me.  Through these experiences I have learned that disappointment is an emotion that prompts reflection, questioning and a search for reason.

I most recently felt the pangs of disappointment when I found out that I would not be accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing masters degree program I applied to.  The rejection didn't come as a formal letter in the mail, (at least it hasn't yet) instead, I received a premature email correspondence from the head of the program.  I'm not sure which outlet to break the news would have stung more.  In the email, words were used such as "you are unlikely to wind up with an offer of admission", "I am very sorry to deliver the bad news" and "I'm telling you unofficially so you can plan accordingly".  It was explained that there was simply a very large number of applicants to fill only a few spots and due to the program being fully funded and the school not having a whole lot of the funding to give out they could not offer up more spaces.  

My first emotion when reading the email was disappointment. What happened next I can only describe as a sinking feeling that washed over me followed by a small pit forming in middle of my stomach as if my body were demanding a physical manifestation of the blow.  I honestly didn't expect to receive an email like the one I got back; but then again, I'm not sure what kind of email I was expecting to receive.  The natural thoughts that arise in the wake of rejection came flooding to me: could I have submitted a stronger application? did they hate my writing? how many other people really applied? Perhaps what is most frustrating about rejection is not having the answers to any of those questions.

To help myself reason and find solace with this rejection, I thought of other instances it could compare to like the ending of a relationship.  How often times one person is left confused and unable to make sense of the break up. Unable to figure out why the problems became too great and what could have been done to achieve a different outcome. I also thought about the process of applying for a job that you don't get hired for.  When the news is delivered that the company will be hiring someone else over you the same types of doubts and disappointing feelings come up.  This is most like applying to school - it's a matter of who you are up against and how badly they want you in one of those coveted spots.

I realize this isn't the first time I've been disappointed or faced rejection and I know that it will certainly not be the last time.  I feel disillusioned and I still wonder what if the outcome would have been different and I would have gotten the acceptance letter in the mail and been thrilled with fulfillment at my accomplishment.  But that was not my path, and instead of wallowing in the faces of disappointment, it is my decision to look forward.  

There is an artist named Brian Andreas (http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do) that I really enjoy.  Browsing through his pieces I came across one that seemed fitting to share.  I realize that this might have seemed like a more somber blog and I just want to state for the record that yes, I was disappointed (if you couldn't tell by now), but like Andreas' piece points out in a more artistic way - there are so many beautiful moments and memories in life to concentrate on and take notice to.  I know there are such moments that I have experienced already and moments that have yet to come for me.  I think that it is necessary to experience the sad, disappointing and rejecting moments in life to fully realize and appreciate the beautiful ones.